A Change of Heart

Trying to celebrate the small things has been the anthem of the past six months of my life. Many, many things have seemingly gone wrong since we moved to Raleigh. We didn't get jobs in the time we had hoped. We have burned through almost all of our savings. We both accepted non-career jobs to bring in money. In the midst of all of this, we are still rejoicing about being pregnant. 

You see, 2 years ago, we felt we should stop procrastinating and trying to prevent expanding our family (as if we actually had any control over that). Things did not go as we anticipated. We didn't get pregnant until April, a year and a half later. In that time frame, every one of our married friends got pregnant and most of them had their babies. Some of our dear friends even had twins, a dream I have always had. When we did get pregnant, it was the opposite time frame of anything I would have planned. 

We gave our notice to our landlord and employers on May 1st and 2nd. On May 3rd I took a pregnancy test and thought my eyes were broken. It was positive. I took two more that day because I was in utter shock. There was no way we were pregnant when we had just given up all the security in our life. When Anthony got home from work that Friday night, I gave him a Baby Taylor guitar, the way I had planned to tell him for years. I told him I thought I was pregnant and he was elated. After taking a total of 5 tests, I started to think this could be real. On Mother's Day we told our families we were expecting. They were so happy for us, yet disappointed we would still be moving to North Carolina. 

I didn't write about expecting a baby here on my blog for fear that a potential employer would Google me and not hire me because I was pregnant. Now, I wish I had written about our great news when I first wanted to. I didn't get the career job (aka higher paying with benefits) I applied and interviewed for. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant, maybe it's because they weren't what God had planned. I hope someday I'll know the answer to my questions. In October, Anthony interviewed for a job at a large hospital in the area. Two weeks ago, they called him and offered him the position. Next week that job will start. It isn't exactly what we had been hoping for, but it will pay our bills and maybe even afford us the opportunity to travel again. 

I've always been a planner and an organizer. With the end of my pregnancy rapidly approaching, those 2 characteristics are in hyper-mode. I have lists and lists for lists. My inlaws came for a visit the week before Thanksgiving and my mother-in-law, who I fondly refer to as Grandma Don (short for Donna), helped me decorate for Christmas. Our Christmas decorations are all ready in case the baby decides to come before December 25th. Until then, we have been fixing burned out lightbulbs, getting the car serviced and detailed, and preparing for our little boy in every way we can.

As the month of December begins and the beautiful, shocking story of Christmas is told, I can't help but relate with Mary. How stressful it must have been to be so close to having Jesus and travelling so far. We are in a predicament with insurance. The baby is due New Year's Eve, will he come in 2013 or 2014? If he comes this month, it means we'll get a tax write-off, if he comes next month...if, if, if. I wonder if that's how Mary felt when there was no room for them in someone's home? Friends have often said they look forward to seeing me as a parent. Could that be they want to see how this organized, needs-everything-planned-out, person will handle the biggest variable ever? 

This day I reflect on the beauty and incredible challenge uncertainty has had on my "plans". I'm learning to believe that God really does take care of me. He might only let me see how his provision is for this day only though. In the past 6 months, Anthony and I have relocated across the country, found out we were having a baby, quit our jobs, applied for hundreds of new jobs, interviewed and started new jobs, left our community, started a new community, changed churches, and experienced the shock of a new state. When I list all of the changes we have made, becoming parents doesn't seem that major. Today I'm reflecting on the growth that change brings. I've discovered with my rapidly expanding body, growth leaves marks and is often uncomfortable. But there is the promise of something new on the other side. 

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